Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Kill Joy

And so it is
Like you said it would be
Life goes on without me
(Most of the time)

I like hearing about the latest celebrity couple breakups. Makes me not feel so bad. Plus, I don't know those people personally, so I don't have to conceal my glee. And make no mistake, I am gleeful. (Seriously, this is as good as it gets.)

Last day of October. What the fuck 'appened? I made some shitty miscalculations is what 'appened. Hope it dudn't cost me the game.

I finally, officially start writing a screenplay this week. It'll be a SCREAM, baby! (Literally, I'm just gonna submit Kevin Williamson's "Scream 2" script with most of the character names replaced.)

Happy Halloween birthday shout-outs to Dr. Craig and Fed-Up. I'd buy ya gifts but I quit my job about a month earlier than I should have. Perhaps THAT'S the root of the creeping sickness I've been feeling...

(I'm stoopid.)

Monday, October 30, 2006

A Clockwork Pumpkin

I believe in television.

Let me back up.

I was probably raised by television more than I was raised by human beings. Spent more time with the television than I spent with my mom and dad growing up, by a large margin. I've got a deep connection with all the things I watched as a kid.

I'm not saying any of this is good. Obviously for me, all that bullshit influences what I do creatively. I might be a more emotionally balanced human being if I'd had a bit more human interaction as a child... but who gives a shit about me as a human being?

But I do believe in the power of television. Not just to teach a kid letters and numbers, but the core values of a decent society.

This isn't a review, but I was kind of moved by The World According to Sesame Street. It's not a great documentary, and I'm totally aware of how it played on my nostalgia for the show... but it has some terrific moments.

Essentially, a depiction of how the Sesame Workshop, formerly the Children's Television Workshop, extends the "social experiment" of "Sesame Street" to other countries, working with the local people to establish shows that aspire to speak to the specific needs of their people.

We see the shaky development of two Kosovar "Sesame" programs: one for the Albanians, one for the Serbs...

We see the grossly ignorant uproar over the creation of a muppet that is HIV+. (Created specifically and exclusively for the South African version of Sesame Street, to help dispel ignorance and promote acceptance.)

But watching the doc, there were two bits that got to me... I'll just spoil them here.

We follow the development of an Indian Sesame Street ("Sisimpur"), which takes a while. Working with a local production company, assembling the local talent, assessing the specific needs of the children there, sketching out the "local muppets" to be created. It obviously takes some time. But everyone involved is so enthusiastic about the project... and the day comes when the local puppeteers actually get their puppets. And it's just incredible. This woman takes these things out of a box, one by one, and hands them to their respective performers. It's like Christmas day. You see these grown people hugging their muppets as if they were children. These things that were just ideas and sketches have suddenly been rendered felt! And you can see, with the artistry of the local puppeteers, they'll be brought fully to life...

The second bit that got to me was the end sequence. And it's fairly obvious. A sequence depicting all these different children from around the world, watching all their unique, local iterations of "Sesame Street". A village's worth of children gathered around a television that's been carted out for them. Smiling faces. Local muppets. It may be slightly cheap and propagandy, but I am such a sucker for all that bullshit.

Don't know if it'll ultimately prevent kids from becoming terrorists or engaging in civil wars -- I guess that's the "cultural experiment" of it -- but I think it'll help them, at least in the short term. That's what's so cool about television. If used properly, it can really reach people...

If not used properly... well, it produces Malice.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

"Ain't it Great to be Alive?!"

Hey, girl, howya doin...?
You are the woman that I'm really pursuin'
And I would like to get to know you,
Can you give me ya name...?
And ya jot down ya number you'll get mine in exchange, hey!

See, I'm the man of this town
And I hope ya wouldn't mind if I showed you around
So if ya go to certain places you'd be thinkin of me
We got people to meet and many places to see --

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(Mostly of Billy's lolly...)

I Should Have Been a Better Sun

For the 0 people who were concerned about my last entry, I'm feeling more myself today. Went outside, interacted with the salt of humanity. Realized that the world is not as unsalvageable as it may have appeared to be a day and a half ago. (This is why drugs are bad, kids.)

In response to Sleazy's suggestion, I'm unveiling a brand new crop of cat videos! Another cycle in my perennially popular "Adventures in Cat-sitting" series. It oughta really cheer you down. Scout's truth.

Nigel Trilogy: Part 1

Nigel Trilogy: Part 2

Nigel Trilogy: Part 3

(Special thanks to Merillon and The Artist Formerly Known As J-Goose.)

In other news, my body clock may be completely screwy, but at least it seems that I am managing to achieve sleep. I went to bed around 6am yesterday (reading), but stole a straight 7 hours of sleep, at least. I may have even had a dream...

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Way of the Future

There are days I imagine that holing myself up in a private movie theater for the rest of my life... might be the way I go. I think I might be broken. Permanent like. Haven't thought about it for a while, but there may not be a way back. Inside, I feel cold.


10:28pm. Feeling slightly less tragic. For laughs, here's Larry and Andy Wachowski's unproduced draft of a Plastic Man movie.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

[brief interlude]


I'm gonna write me a MAD LIBS play, now! Audience participation! Oh, it'll be rich...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Edible Autopsy

Hey, fright fans! Check out some creepy album covers. (The easily squeamish need not click.) My faves are the Sonic Youth and The Beatles's rejected album cover.

I know I've talked about my intermittent insomnia here, but it's gotten a little absurd since I'm no longer on "regular hours". Yesterday (yesterday morning?) I think I managed to sleep about 3 hours straight. And yet, I'm not tired and I feel strangely focused. I've been on a new self-imposed regimen and trying to live a little healthier (focus on "a little"), but not sleeping can't possibly be healthy. Maybe it's just temporary. For now, I live in denial.

Been working on a story outline I intend to send to Paramount at some point tomorrow. It's mostly there, I think. And it's just an draft outline, and it's just to offer some fodder for another creative phone conversation. Still, I feel like everything I submit at this phase is me trying to prove myself. Don't want these folks getting buyer's remorse before we even leave the store.

What's with the silent lurkers on this site? I can hear you breathing. What could you possibly be doing here?

In the spirit of giving...

Hollywood Shuffled 5:
1. Tear, Smashing Pumpkins
2. Stay Away, Nirvana
3. The Gank, Nelly
4. Isolation, John Lennon
5. Jumpers, Sleater-Kinney

On the Run, Pink Floyd

I'm oddly pleased with that one. Quietly judge as you will.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mama, We All Go to Hell

This is why "Studio 60" doesn't work. And as much as I heart The Kids in the Hall, I don't know if Mark's enough to save it.

Did the math and I figure -- on the first payment alone -- I should be able to get by for roughly 6 months before it's tapped. But that's assuming I don't start blowing it on frivolous things like "plastic surgery" and "debt payments". But further payments should start kicking in around the 3 month mark, so I ought to be okay. My biggest fear is having to crawl back to my old day job. What a mortifying thought. High-five!

I've been emersing myself in horror. Countless movies. This fascinating book. Anything to analyze what works and what doesn't work. Most specifically, what scares me personally...

That's one of the reasons I've been wanting to visit my friend Nick's family house up in the Adirondacks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but that house seriously spooks me. Particularly in the night, but sometimes even in the day. It's too quiet. At night, it gets too dark. The structure of the house gives me the creeps. The way it winds. The way you can't see who's going to be sitting there when you walk up the stairs. The way the house is emersed in nature, with little to buffer that. When I'm there, alone in a room, I feel like I'm being watched. By an evil spirit. Or maybe Nick's dad.


Monday, October 23, 2006

My Chemical Heartbreak

Apple-polly-jeez to Nick-o and Erwin for missing their respective shows. Had every intention of seeing both of them and I blew it. I'd point out that I'm a bad person, but that's self-evident.

I know most of my friends only read this blog, but I wonder does anyone only read that Butcherhouse blog...? I recognize it's less interesting, but it's not for the lack of trying.

In any case, I'll throw those people a bone later today, but I just got the call from my lawyers' office, and the Paramount contracts are in and ready to be signed. I'll hit the gym and head in to the office. It's been about two months since I got the call from Paramount. I think it would have gone a little faster if it weren't an adaptation of a play.

Been hangin out with NewSleazeOn. I fucking hate traveling to Crooklyn. I concede they've got better bars, but then you end up getting trapped there. No one puts Malice in a corner!

I've got more work now but I'm endeavoring to reconnect with the world. Next week, maybe? I don't know, I'll see how I feel...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Nobody Knows

Ought to post this shit on that other blog, but nobody reads that so I'll post here, among "friends"...

Had my first meeting with my Paramount contact this morning. We went back and forth on story ideas and it went really well, I think. Meeting again tomorrow to keep it going. I was nervous going in, but he really loves my writing and we're both just trying to do what's best for the adaptation.

Also just got a call from my lawyer and I'm told we're "really close" now. Ha ha. One somewhat significant sticking point remains to be cleared up, but I think we should be able to sort it out.

Bit of a relief it's all finally falling into place. I feel like I've been living on a promise since August. I've shared the good news, I've collected my pats on the back, but now it's time for the pay-off.

A few years on, I'll look back on this and understand how I could've done everything differently. Who knows what can happen. I was thinking today, the biggest thing this has given me has been a much-needed boost to this theoretical career of mine...

SPF and now Paramount. I mean, I have done a god-awful job of trying to get my creative career off the ground since I graduated from college. Seriously. As nice as it is that I "never gave up", there's a lot of shit I never did over the years. Grants and fellowships and festivals and contests I never applied to. I have done a piss-poor job of getting my work out there. And I've nobody to blame but myself for that. (Hand me the cat o' nine tails...)

Which makes it even crazier that one of the few things I did manage to apply to actually accepted me, and ended up giving my career this new life. I guess I feel a little guilty because I know that there are so many writers out there that apply to everything they can. People who ARE good at getting their work out there. Who do I think I am?

But I'm not taking any of this for granted. And maybe I just needed this boost more than those people, to keep going. On several levels. This is my handicap. This is going to help me keep writing.

I'll buy that for a dollar!!!

War Chronicles

Started going through some old files, flipping through some old half-baked, partially-hydrogenated ideas that I failed to develop or finish. Some deserved to be aborted. Though it would've been nice if I'd managed to finish some of them, just to see where they would have concluded. One was a story called "The War Chronicles", about kids going through film school. Of course, I can't think of more unsympathetic, uninteresting characters than film students. I was one of them and I can't give two stinkin shits about em.

That said, I'm about 3 weeks into my mysterious day job sabbatical, and I apologize to the handful of people who read this stupid blog semi-regularly. I'm certain it's gotten revolting. You must think I just watch television all day. In reality, that's only about 3/4 of my day. I also look at the Internet and sometimes read magazines.

The other day, I walked 160+ blocks just to save two swipes off my Metrocard. I had a meeting with some people in the Union Square area and I've stopped buying the "monthly unlimited" Metrocard, and I just figured what the fuck.

Things continue to happen with remarkable lethargy. But happening they are. I've got to wake up tomorrow morning (gasp!) to have an important meeting in Soho. I'm fairly nervous about it, but I'm sure I'll be triply so when I'm actually there.

In any case, my career's a work-in-progress, my life's a work-in-progress, my work's a work-in-progress. These first 3 weeks, I feel like I've been stumbling around a bit, but I'm getting the act together. Lethargically, but surely...!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Obsession (for Malice)

Who would have expected that my uncontested favorite new show of the season would be on a channel that I don't subscribe to? Thanks be to the peer-to-peers.

I heart "Dexter".

Stars a Six Feet Under alumnus. Features two Oz alumni. [Ed. THREE Oz alums!] It's got The Warriors's James Remar in flashbacks.


Jennifer Carpenter. You may remember her from "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". (Or not.) Daughter of John Carpenter. And yes, someone I cannot take my eyes off of.

There aren't many actresses/celebrities I feel stalkerish about. No one completely obvious. Angelina Jolie is pretty, but I find something about her annoying. Pamela Anderson is super-hot, but she's just a barbie doll. Wy/Pxyv]-jvimlbDz$C)vCzBmvb/vaCz;v#)vi/iBvz$b/vmzbymlv/nvbym#8

On the other hand:
Lena Olin (from ALIAS). Zooey Deschanel. Christina Aguilera. And Jennifer Carpenter now falls into this dubious category. Something in the eyes and the voice. It's beyond "pretty face". It's a true, uncompromising love, ladies and germs. I would like to know who John Carpenter hooked up with to produce offspring that looks like her. (Coz I'm gonna need to find someone with strong enough DNA to cancel out most of MY fucking genetics -- THANKS A MILLION, MOM + DAD!)

But we were talking about DEXTER. Serial Killer as Vigilante Hero. A good dose of Taxi Driver, but with back story. (Like getting glimpses into Travis Bickle's childhood.) It is a bold, fascinating feat. To engender audience sympathy for a character that would typically be absolutely repellant.

Gives me hope for that Pedophile Superhero epic I've been working on...!

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Entry #747:

I remember being particularly fascinated by Concorde as a little child. Regular airplanes seemed exotic enough. But Concorde was like a super-airplane. Cruise speed of Mach 2.02?! The flying wonder went so fast, it made the world a smaller place.

Over the years, my fascination with it quickly dissipated to the point where I never even really thought about it. And I'm sure I heard that it ended its service in 2003 due to economic hard times, but it didn't register.

But a few weeks ago, I caught a part of a documentary about Concorde's last flight, and it reminded me of my fascination with it, and I felt a touch of sadness that I never got to experience a supersonic flight.

Concorde service began in January 1976, the month I was born. It was a mode of transport for business people and the fairly rich, so perhaps it was doomed. High living never lasts forever.

This is the first entry I'm writing on my new laptop. A bit heavier than I wanted, perhaps, but I'm a sucker for strong specs. (Overcompensating.) Anyway, new toys to keep the creativity flowing.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Keep Their Heads Spinnin

Well... got a lot done today...

Did the laundry, finally.

Mailed out that DVD for my grandfather's 95th birthday.

Traded in my XBOX toward an XBOX 360. (Nerd alert!)

Signed employment papers for Paramount @ my lawyers office. (Finished contract soon.)

Had another phone conversation with Paramount exec, fielded a barrage of "story ideas". I've got my work cut out for me, that's for sure.

I gotta get some work done the next few days. Flesh out some story, character details. To have it on hand for the coming meetings. Gotta keep reminding myself that the movie version is free to be whatever it needs to be to get made.

Party's over -- everybody out! (Well, nobody's really here...)

This is why I hate sports. Actually, I find this interesting, so it's NOT why I hate about sports. (Because sports isn't interesting.) People better keep an eye on those Mets...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

History of Malice

I have a grandfather that's turning 95. So my mom tells me. She's going back to the Philippines for his birthday and she wants me to make a little DVD that she can take with her to show him. Apparently, everyone from his village is gonna come out to celebrate and watch this DVD.

I've got zero connection to my extended family. I've got a tenuous connection to my IMMEDIATE family. I'm so not into making this video, but I gotta just gitter done. I was footing it around the city today shooting some NYC "montage" elements. And I still gotta shoot myself offering him a little greeting. Mom wants me to try to explain what's happening with my career, so I gotta figure out how to explain that in terms they can understand. What a drag. It's a no-brainer video, but it's still a drag. I hate appearing in my own videos.

I could not be more disconnected from the world.

Monday, October 09, 2006

... and dere's nuttin dat anybuddy cud do...

"Kidnapped", my favorite new show of the season, has been shitcanned.

"Smith", my second favorite new show of the season, has been iced.

Further proof that everything I love ends up dead.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Never Believe It's Not So

I need a haircut. My hair is out of control. It's taking over. It's gone into my brain and seizing my motor functions.

I've had a good week of being a complete bum. It's fun not waking up early, but I gotta start getting my shit together. Started cleaning up the place today. I'm terrible and it takes me forever to get things in order sometimes. I need one of those Extreme Queer Makeover fuckers to sort my shit out. Show me how to live. Coz Dianetics ain't cuttin it.

I'm feeling better that my deal's about to be final. C-c-c-oz I'm broke, motherfuckers, and Malice needs to get p-p-p-aid...!

Also: I hate football. Do you hear me? I hate football.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Girl Talk

Looks like "views" for my Terry Gilliam video on YOU TUBE have outpaced the views for my last upload. It's gotten more views in a day than the previous one got in a month. Celebrity helps: kids love looking at Terry Gilliam! (I didn't actually shoot any of the footage for the previous upload and it did look pretty shitty, so I'm sure that didn't help the cause.)

Props to The Former Coworker Formerly Known As NewOp for introducing me to the illegal artistry of GIRL TALK. You don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck! Oh-oh-oh, it's MAGIC! You knooow! Never believe it's not so!!! I love illegal art.

First week off the day job has been... fairly non-productive. My most exciting creative accomplishment was creating and uploading that video to YOU TUBE. It's kind of neat to have some of my work seen instantly, even if it's just me fucking around.

I have watched entirely too much television this week. I could write a whole entry on what's wrong with LOST, but I'm boring you folks as it is.

I feel like I nearly disappeared off the face of the earth this week.

Looks like the Paramount deal could get finally finalized sometime next week, for those of you who could give two shits. For any lurkers who might think I "cut the line" to get where I've gotten, I want to point out that I didn't get any help from anyone. I didn't know anybody at the Summer Play Festival and they certainly didn't know me. And honestly, SPF didn't do much to facilitate the Paramount thing. None of it was about "a friend helping a friend". (Malice has friends?) I've still got everything to prove or lose, but I'm feeling more confident about the future of my career. I know that I'll get to do everything I've wanted to do since I was a kid.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Come To Daddy!

Am I the only one who thinks that Terry Gilliam bears a striking resemblance to Aphex Twin...?

You can view the footage I shot of Terry Gilliam crashing the Daily Show audience line on YOU TUBE. The biggest pain is compressing videos adequately for YOU TUBE. I am not what you would call "good at that".

I've been fucking around with video all week. I spent the better part of last night trying to cut together that Gilliam footage to try to beat the other nerds who were there. (There was at least one other guy with a small DV cam, and a woman who was part of Gilliam's crew filming.) I've still got to finish shooting/editing a little video for my grandfather's 95th birthday, and I've got a few more days to shoot footage of Merillon/JGoose's cat to produce more humorous, viral video. How I love making fun of other people's cats!

(Stupid cats!)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Gilliam Malice

One of the perks of not having a day job is being able to exploit stupid shit like this!

I've got video footage of Terry Gilliam asking me how to spell "Malice".

I'm gonna try to cut it all together and upload to YOU TUBE sometime tonight, maybe. Oooh!, Malice has got hisself a project tonight! How fulfilling!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


To hell with love stories. I just want to write stories about things that are real. (Like portals to hell.)

Is it Tuesday? How do you keep track of the days when you ain't got no job?! I hate the sound of my alarm clock and am thankful for retiring it. (For now.)

I love the Upper West Side. I know if I'd wanted a TRUE "Fortress of Solitude", I should've taken a place on the Upper East Side. But it's just enough isolation up here. Just enough quiet. Just enough separation from the world. Just enough for a spot of peace. (To get something done.)

I hate people who pretend like they're not pricks. The elaborate show that anyone can see through unless they're naive, exceptionally dim or self-deluding pricks themselves. You know who I'm fucking talking about. (At least I know I can be a prick.)

Oh, and how I hate the people who imagine they're more important than they are! Those "voice-of-my-(generation/ethnicity/special-interest-group)" cocksuckers. Fuck them bloody, I say. I don't care who those shitheels are, they can king themselves with a hundred paper crowns, it don't mean jack. The weak may fall for it, but I call bullshit. I'll never be the voice of anybody but myself. (And all my fucking fans -- I LOVE YOU KIDS! You fuckers complete me!!!)

That's two hates in a row, now I've gotta come up with two loves... All right, I love Christina Aguilera (a true, stalker-grade kind of love)... aaand... I think this Red Hot Chili Peppers video is diggity dope (on a few different levels)...

BACK TO THE HATE. I hate my Russian super. Learn the native language a little, you shit-bag! I don't look for a lot in a building superintendent. Somebody who fixes things that need to be fixed. Somebody who doesn't set the building on fire right outside my door. Somebody who gets the fuck outta my way and doesn't get homicidal when I fail to say "hello" to him on the street coz I'm wearing my fucking iPod and I didn't see or hear you, you crazy russkie motherfucker! (I have nothing against Russians as a people.)

Okay, love love love... something I love... I love colorful clothing in the sun. (Coz it doesn't remind me of anything.)

And we end on a hate. Because it is called "Misanthropy Central", after all. (Although no one seems to question why the url's "crypt-orchid" dot blogspot dot com...) I hate waiting. Though some may point out that my level of patience is inhuman, I just can't stand the wait. (Yet here I am.)

6 hates to 4 loves. I guess hate wins the day. (Surprise!)

Monday, October 02, 2006

Season of the Witch

October. I adore October. Autumn. I somehow have fond memories of October. The lengthening nights. The cooler air. A month to dwell on spooky things. Horror. Something scary about the tradition of Halloween. Little kids going door to door, expecting free candy. Looks pretty safe these days, but when I was a kid you knocked on strangers' doors, and you never knew if a house or apartment was "friendly".

Through 4th grade, I lived in the boondocks of Brooklyn, trains didn't even go that deep. Starrett City, we called it. None of this "Spring Creek Towers" business. Kids were mean as fuck. And kids traded scary rumors like Garbage Pail Kids cards. The story about that guy who sits on that bench in that park over there. The story about what happened in 13B. Who knew if any of it was true in hindsight. We were stupid fucking kids, we assumed it was all true. The world was never so scary and unstable as when I was a little kid. And I never want to forget any of that shit.

Of course, my world is pretty uncertain right now. But this week, my first week "off the job", I'm not going to worry about anything. Money, bills, debt, rent, the nebulous future. This week, I'm kicking back and decom-fucking-pressing. I've been through hell and now it's time to eat some fucking cake.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Dane Cook was a zombie?

For the record, I hate that I've felt compelled to waste multiple blog entries dedicated to coming to terms with how much I hate the phenomenon of Dane Cook.

I started to watch his HBO special, "Vicious Circle". Everytime I start to watch one of his routines, I tense up with the concern that -- after all my "hating" -- I may actually find his act funny. I go in with an open mind. Yet, half an hour in, nothing is funny. It's less than not-funny. It is grating. More so that he's bouncing around like an undeserving rock star and his unfathomably large audience is supporting it all. Last time I saw a white audience give an unfunny comedian the rock star treatment like this was Andrew Dice Clay, and look how great he turned out. (To be fair, I think Andrew Dice Clay was funnier.)

But don't take MY word for it. An excert from this Salon article:

Even Cook's delivery isn't noteworthy or unique; he sprinkles "bro" and "dude" into every story, he's terrible at impressions and when he's imitating a woman, he inexplicably speaks in a high voice with a lisp, as if he's doing a homophobic imitation of a gay man...

From his sloppy college kid look to his avoidance of anything political, cultural or remotely critical, Cook aims at appealing to those vast numbers of kids who haven't really developed any interests yet, and are most of all focused on having fun with a big group of people. While Seinfeld or Rock or Carlin or Miller react against the world, working themselves into a lather over just how idiotic and bizarre other people's behavior is, Cook's stories all boil down to the most familiar, relatable experiences he's had. His humor doesn't require even a glance at the wider world; it strengthens the bonds within a homogenous group. "Isn't it crazy when you..." or "How weird is it when..." By celebrating the myopia of the young, Cook has become the hottest comedian around.

An audio comparison of how Dane Cook has stolen material from Louis C.K., and made it shittier. (LCK plays first.) I know that some people aren't fans of LCK (cough-merillon-cough), but I don't see how anybody can claim that he's less funny than Dane The-Cocksucker Cook.